I recently got asked one of the most intelligent questions in a while:  why do you want to get married.  My answer is irrelevant (to all but me and maybe the poor soul that might become my spouse).  The question is SO important. 

There’s no doubt about the practicalities of being in a marriage (it applies to common law partners just as well, but for my discussion I choose to keep it to marriage – it’s my discussion folks):  Tax benefits.  Social parity with peers (e.g. being at the same life stage with your friends, and therefore having common activities).  Always having a companion whose schedule you can completely know and manipulate.  Someone else to do the dishes.  (Database whirring away searching for other examples).

But while important, should these be the key driving forces for such a critical life decision?  The frequency of “oh you’re lucky you have such freedom” comments makes one wonder how many of these folks actually did marry for (only) such reasons.  Would it not be part of a healthy relationship to encourage and support individual needs, as well as the joint goals?  To have an attitude of service and truly enjoy making the other happy?  To have less of the eye-rolls and more of the love-rushes?

It could very well be that this only happens in my non-existent ideal world.  The same place where the social harm of debt-on-interest is understood, and parents can carry their kids’ pictures without being arrested, and young kids/adults do not go on a killing spree including themselves, and politicians’ lack of integrity is not acceptable, and food is not wasted while poverty claims millions every year.  And where no one eats baked beans on a paratha.

So how did we get here?  Oh!  (non-existent) Ideal worlds.  I remember when I was a kid (that is *certainly* not even 4 decades yet), I heard fairy tales of lights being turned on with a clap in magical lands.  It happens today effortlessly.  Because someone believed in magic.  Enough to make it happen.  While everyone else said it’s a fantasy, let it go.

I still believe.

19 responses to “Singled-out

  1. well, well, well, here is another one believing in utopia. But being in the state that I am ….that is married ….I wish you all the best as I still feel it can happen …though loosing faith in it with every passing day.

    Just a few days ago I read an interview of this lady, Banu Qudsiya, she says you do not love your partner, you love kids. You do not have friendship with your partner, you have friends for that. Only thing you have with your partner is “Rifaqat”. I think that is so very true. If you cannot tolerate a person socially, do not marry him/her.

    Hold on to your dreams, HE says, I am what you belive me to be. Maybe yours will be the one for you.

  2. Welcome to Mutarjam intishaar! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Hold on to faith… we have more influence on the world (outside and inside) than we allow ourselves to believe. While this view creates greater responsibility, it also allows for more hope. My wishes that you also find a different view than Banu Qudsiya’s.

  3. Oh, Banu Qudsia is so right. She gave the words to my feelings of last few months. I did not ever want to marry but now my life is halted. I do not know what to do with it. I still don’t want kids _now_ .

  4. I’m sorry you’re going through difficult times, and pray that Allah guides you to the right decisions. I find when I’m in such a position that reconnecting with what my life goals are usually helps in arriving at (albeit tough) decisions that are in line with those goals.

  5. I am sort of refugee in Canada for now so it is very hard for me to connect to my real life. Just a year ago, I was a millionaire in US and in last one year I have lost many things. May be an exam from Allah ? But that state of desperateness has brought me only thing that one need “rafiq” . Parents , siblings , friends won’t cut.

    By the way, what does mutarjam mean ?

  6. Intishaar, if you are around, could you please share the link of that interview ?

  7. That’s sad to hear Refugee – may you soon find solid ground again (aameen). Mutarjam means the interpreter 🙂

  8. Thank you for the response. I just believe that this is an exam from Allah and things would be better very soon. I have always believed in faith. the force won’t leave me alone.

    Yeah I realized the meaning of mutarjam after posting the last comment. I first thought it was some arabic word and may be it is. Then I was thinking if the correct word is “mutarjam” or “mutarjim”. Still confused about that :-(.

  9. It is Arabic and my understanding is that mutarjim means the interpreted (as in the object) whereas mutarjam means the interpreter (as in the doer). I hope that’s right or I’ll have to change the blog 😛

  10. You know back in my school days, we had urdu exercise to put “Airabs” on urdu words and I always scored 100% in that. I am feeling bad that I cant figure it out _now_ . I will get back to out with true pronunciation. You do not need to change your blog. It is what it is.

  11. I remember such lessons! Thank you 🙂

  12. I checked with one of my acquittance who is quite good in Urdu and he told me it is “Mutarjim” for sure. But now I have got another confusion, is it “Mutrajim” or “Mutarjim”. I ahve emailed 5-6 columnists from jang web site and I hope some one would get back to me with correct pronunciation. Am I obsessed with this word ?Surely not, but with every thing at one’s finger tip, why one should not try to find. How long does it take to email ? 🙂

  13. Okay, I got a response from one columnist. The correct pronunciation is “Mutarjim” .

  14. I’m glad now you’ve taken care of your obsession 🙂 My understanding is that both are correct (or so my dictionary says) but different meanings.

  15. Hi. Just to put my word in, maybe very late. The interview that I read was in an offline magazine. The thing does exist and I cannot exist without reading offline. Will try to scan and send you the image, breaking copyright laws and all.

    Secondly, with much excuses, the name confused me too. When I first read your blog, I was in kind of hurry and did not have much time to go through in detail. Guess what I being a desi read it. “Mattar Jam”. Wondered a lot why would anyone name it “Mattar jam”, till I visited the site again and realized what it means. 😉

  16. Hello again Intishaar – I’ll leave it to your and refugee’s creativity to find each other and share the scans 🙂 And that’s funny on what you initially thought about the name, and you’re not the first one either! But what’s life without a little confusion, right? 😉

  17. So, as always, this discussion was very useful in encouraging me to stop being stubborn and put the meaning of the blog title up 🙂 I chose the name for a reason – the world is interpreted (mutarjam) by each one of us, and this blog is my interpretation of the world. This is important to remember because we tend to treat our “interpretation” as “reality”, which creates confusion and often hurt. I am just one of the interpreters (mutarjim) of life and therefore my humble ramblings should only be taken as such. Thank you refugee, intishaar (and everyone who’s wondered about this) for helping me learn, grow, correct and clarify myself! 🙂

  18. Thanks Intishaar for writing back to me. Yeah I miss those old days when I could just finish the thick heavy books in hours but I guess now my attention spam has been so reduced that I can just read interviews or blog entries. I really appreciate you for your offer but I would not give you trouble to scan that for me. I just know now what I want in near future. Thanks for that.

    And belated DMubarak to you and interpreter.

  19. Thanks refugee – and Eid Mubarak to you and yours too!

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